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BRITAIN GETS THE STUPID CHRISTMAS ADVICE IT DESERVES |
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23-12-08 |
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GOVERNMENT guidelines on how to avoid accidents at Christmas are every bit as obvious as they need to be, it was confirmed last night.
 O Christmas Tree! O Christmas Tree! How far can I get you up my bum?
Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: "You will notice page five of the Daily Mail carries an angry story about 'why oh why does the government have to treat us like Christmas morons?'.
"But if you then turn over to page six you will see a story about a man from Dorset who called the fire brigade after shoving at least 18 inches of Norwegian Spruce firmly up his back passage.
"Page seven is devoted to the Yorkshire family who celebrate Boxing Day by piling all the empty boxes in the middle of the living room before setting fire to them.
"And we then turn over to a double-page spread featuring a heart-breaking interview with the sole survivor of the Great Hemel Hempstead Turkey Disaster of 1983."
A department of health spokesman said: "Instead of a real Christmas tree this year why not go for a small, laminated photograph of a Christmas tree? Leave it floating in a bucket of water in case you're tempted to set fire to it.
"And if you're worried about food poisoning from an undercooked turkey, just eat a load of crisps instead. But not the sharp ones. Go for a soft, round crisp like a Wotsit or a Quaver. And don't forget to keep a bucket water nearby in case you're tempted to set fire to them."
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