Britain stops pretending to care


AS the Christmas holiday looms, Britons have abandoned all pretence of being interested in their jobs.

Your desire for a pint is a cliche because it’s true

Millions of desk workers have stopped trying to act ‘passionate’ and ‘motivated’, instead being quite open about their desire to fuck off after lunchtime.

Telesales operative Nikki Hollis said: “My manager just said, ‘let’s look busy for a couple of hours then hoof it’ and we all cheered.

“It’s more magical than actual Christmas – as if for one special day we’re treated like humans instead of hive ants.

“This refreshing honesty almost makes me like being here.

“Although of course I still hope the office burns to the ground over Christmas.”

Those with specialist professions are being equally upfront about their desire to get into a pub.

Surgeon Julian Cook said: “I’ve got a quick transplant to bash out, then it’s home time. We’ll race through it and get him zipped back up in an hour.

“I’ve brought a staple gun, it’s quicker than actual stitches.”

Motivational speaker Tom Logan said: “As someone whose entire career is based on faked enthusiasm it’s not often I say anything other than upbeat drivel.

“But today’s ‘personal goal’ is to wank it out and fuck off early.”



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