‘British FBI’ to focus on the paranormal

A NEW body styled as the UK’s FBI will focus on werewolves, ghosts and other aspects of the supernatural.

They will enter this house at midnight on Halloween

They will enter this house at midnight on Halloween

The home secretary has described the NCA – Nightmare Creatures Association – as Britain’s first line of defence against monsters.

Theresa May said: “Statistics show that only a relatively small proportion of the UK is worried about crime, while 91% of people are scared of ghosts.

“Personally I am terrified of witches. I often wake up at night because of noises in the house.

“I expect that if I went downstairs I would see a witch sitting in my rocking chair, nursing her half-pig witch baby. As I enter the kitchen the witch would look up and make a slurpy sound.

“Of course I don’t get up. I pull the covers up over my head.”

May said UFOs would be a particular priority: “You should see some of the evidence. I’ve seen a letter by this woman from Reading, its got some alien hair Sellotaped to it.

“Aliens got in her house and made her cut their hair. But at the time there was no government agency to properly investigate and she was sectioned.”

Plumber Tom Logan said: “This has great entertainment value, plus I’ve always worried there was someone or something under my bed, wanting to steal my identity.

“And I’m not speaking metaphorically. Once I saw a clawed hand sticking out.”