Probability of surviving today virtually zero

BRITONS must today face either the deadly weather or poisonous spiders.

Option A

Option A

As storms batter the UK, millions of workers tossed coins to decide whether they would rather be claimed by falling masonry or the colony of agitated False Widows in the loft.

Office worker Wayne Hayes said: “I can’t leave my house because of the elements and I can’t stay in it because of the killer spider invasion.

“As I see it, my only chance is to tunnel down through the kitchen floor. But it’s very solid and I don’t have a pick axe.

“Already I’m sure I can hear the soft patter of arachnid feet coming down the stairs.

“Not that they have feet as such but you know what I mean.”

Sussex-based sales manager Emma Bradford said: “I was Facebook gloating to my friends in the North, because I don’t have to go to work and also because I don’t live in the North.

“Then I remembered the spiders. Fuck! I’ve got a can of deodorant and a lighter, at least I can take a few of them with me.”

Dangerologist Michael Fish said: “They say these things come in threes, so my guess is that wolves are being re-introduced tomorrow.”