Charities told to stop being a bit weird

CHARITIES have been told to start being likeable again.

This is absolutely fine

This makes perfect sense

Falling charity donations have been linked to questionable executive pay, an obsession with direct debits and pretending all the stuff in their shops is antique.

Plumber Roy Hobbs said: “Despite what my local charity shop thinks, a James Last record is not worth a fiver.

“I like the idea of helping good causes but stopped going in charity shops when they stopped being interesting heaps of bric-a-bric and became shit versions of normal shops.

“And as much as I hate it, I’ve developed a certain resentment towards underprivileged children, as I associate them with clipboard-wielding dreadlocks owners who bang on my door during teatime.

“Don’t even get me started about those Australian people who stop you in the street and pester you until you become a person you don’t want to be.

“Actually I am slightly shocked to realise charities are getting on my tits. Am I a bad person?

“I would happily chuck a pound note into a bucket in exchange for a poor quality sticker, like in the old days.”

Mother-of-two Emma Bradford said: “I don’t know how much the people running charities are getting paid but they seem to be making a dogs’ breakfast of it.

“I used to go to charity shops because I am poor and they sold cheap things – which is a form of charity when you think about it.

“But for their information, a two-year-old dress from Primark is not ‘vintage’. And no I don’t want to buy a muesli bar, they’re vile.”