Children should read novels we defaced with cartoon penises, say parents

PARENTS want their children to be force fed the classics of English literature until it makes them seriously ill, a survey has shown.

It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a virgin's blood.

Research by the Institute for Studies revealed parents are eager for their children to have an in-depth knowledge of the books they spent their school years defacing with ejaculating male genitals.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “Parents have a real passion for the classics, possibly due to having forgotten what a contrived pile of wank Great Expectations really is.

“However, because they’ve not actually read them, most parents have only a vague recollection of what the classics are. This leads to demands that their children read To Kill A Mocking Tree, Pride and Dracula and Tess of the Baskervilles.

“One parent said her daughter’s education would not be complete without The Flying Piper of Hamlet.”

Professor Brubaker said that even when a book was correctly identified, there was confusion about its content, with most parents believing that Nineteen Eighty-Four was about political correctness.

Parent Tom Logan said: “I hate the thought of my kids not reading the classics and missing out on the boredom I went through, mainly because I’m jealous of them having internet porn.

“In fact I think they should turn all the classics into one massive book, A Tale of Silas Marner’s Animal Farm, that makes children cry just thinking about it.”

Mother of two, Nikki Hollis, added: “I intend to introduce my children to all of the classics, starting with The Wire