Churches Urged To Ban Noisy Little Shits

CHURCHES should be given the right to remove noisy little shits the very second they open their mouths, campaigners said last night.

Most churchyards contain a 'toddler post'

The move comes after a Lichfield vicar was given the freedom of the city after telling a two year-old to 'shut up or piss off' during its parents' wedding ceremony.

The vicar was paraded around the city centre on a gilded throne before being presented with a brand new Aston Martin and his pick of the local barmaids.

Churches across the UK are now being urged to adopt a zero-tolerance approach to anything under five years of age.

Wayne Hayes, a spokesman for People Against Toddlers, said: "Wedding ceremonies are excruciating enough without the relentless screaming of some jam-filled brat.

"Unfortunately, many of our churches do seem to be specially designed to take the sound of a screeching child and then channel it directly into the middle of your brain.

"If you do have to bring your child to a wedding, why not just leave it in the car or tie it to a tree?"

Hayes added: "The only time a noisy child is in any way acceptable is when the bride's best friend from university is reading that fucking passage from Captain Corelli's Mandolin."