Churches Urged To Ban Noisy Little Shits

07-07-08

CHURCHES should be given the right to remove noisy little shits the very second they open their mouths, campaigners said last night.

Most churchyards contain a 'toddler post'

The move comes after a Lichfield vicar was given the freedom of the city after telling a two year-old to 'shut up or piss off' during its parents' wedding ceremony.

The vicar was paraded around the city centre on a gilded throne before being presented with a brand new Aston Martin and his pick of the local barmaids.

Churches across the UK are now being urged to adopt a zero-tolerance approach to anything under five years of age.

Wayne Hayes, a spokesman for People Against Toddlers, said: "Wedding ceremonies are excruciating enough without the relentless screaming of some jam-filled brat.

"Unfortunately, many of our churches do seem to be specially designed to take the sound of a screeching child and then channel it directly into the middle of your brain.

"If you do have to bring your child to a wedding, why not just leave it in the car or tie it to a tree?"

Hayes added: "The only time a noisy child is in any way acceptable is when the bride's best friend from university is reading that fucking passage from Captain Corelli's Mandolin."

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