Councils Begin Not Getting Enough Salt For Winter
LOCAL councils have started ordering insignificant quantities of salt in preparation for a hard winter.
With weather experts predicting months of severe blizzards, regional authorities are buying pathetically small amounts of the vital mineral in a half-hearted attempt to ensure that they might be able to keep a couple of driveways clear for the best part of a day.
Councillor Bill McKay, from Peterborough, said: “We’ve learned the lessons of last year and have made sure we have enough to be able to go mental with it during the first couple of days of mild frost, after which we won’t have any.
“And besides, it’s not like it’s definitely going to be icy. It might be nice and warm.”
Roy Hobbs, chief executive of Steadbury Burgh Council, said: “Salt is just one of those things you don’t want to have too much of. It’s really bad for you. I remember receiving a leaflet from the council about it. It featured a cartoon character called ‘Spammy the Salt’ and had massive orange writing.”
He added: “This year I have sent dozens of my staff to salt depots in the UK, Europe and beyond so that they could gaze in wonder at the huge piles and then come home immediately without ordering any of it. I like to think I run a pretty tight ship.”
The inevitable unbelievably massive shortage will be particularly beneficial for schoolchildren and local news media.
Bristol-based TV news editor Emma Bradford said: “A lack of salt will enable us to have a reporter permanently based at the depot where the salt is stored.
“They will be able to comment on the lack of salt while lorries drive back and forth behind them and a balding man in a high-visibility jacket periodically appears to clarify the absence of salt.
“There will also be some shots of diggers.”