Crime Is Just Awful, Says Government

CRIME is awful and criminals are ghastly, the government said last night.

Crime victim Jennifer Hayes felt better after a hug from junior home office minister Tom Logan

An eight-month review of the criminal justice system in England and Wales concluded that many people do not like being the victims of crime.

Of the 13,000 people interviewed, 13,000 said crime was not very nice at all and they wanted nothing whatsoever to do with it.

Louise Casey, the government's criminal justice adviser, said: "The message from the public is clear: Crime is just ghastly and horrid."

She added: "We think crime is ghastly too. It is therefore vital that we sit down with members of the public and agree with them."

A new government website will tell victims how awful it must have been for them and include maps showing where they can go for a cup of tea and bit of a moan

Casey has also proposed that criminals be forced to carry out community service while wearing big, 1970s spectacles or a hat that does not suit them at all.

She added: "There is no point in us trying to stop crime. No, it's far too late for that. The country is, to all intents and purposes, completely out of control.

"But we can give people a cuddle and advise them to go away for a few days. The Lake District is lovely or maybe even Venice or Florence. But do watch out for the bag-snatchers, they'll rip your arm off."