Crime map to keep you nice and scared

THE government has unveiled a street by street crime map of the UK as part of a new initiative to keep you nicely terrified.

To
make it as easy as possible to scare you the maps will feature guns,
old fashioned cartoon bombs, big scary knives and men in turbans, as
well as pinpointing millions of suspected kiddie-fiddlers using the
Facebook logo.

Home secretary Theresa May said: “Unfortunately danger is everywhere. I am amazed you’re still alive. Well done.

“These
maps will show that even if there is not a horrible crime
in your street, something incredibly disturbing will have happened
within five minutes walk.

“But it’s okay because I am here to
tell you that I am going to protect you. In meantime why not ease the
stress of being under constant threat of death or molestation by using
your credit card to buy a shiny thing?”

May said the maps would
also be available as a smart phone ‘app’ so that busy professionals
could be paranoid and fearful between meetings.

She added: “When
you meet someone at a party you can ask what street they live in and
then nip to the loo with your iPhone before rejoining the conversation
and trying to work out whether your new acquaintance is a terrorist, a
fraudster or a predatory sex beast who is probably going to follow you
home.”

Meanwhile experts noted the map showed only three cases of
serious theft in central Westminster, but May stressed there was no
need to log those instances where MPs had given back some of the money
they had stolen quite deliberately.

Taxi companies have also
welcomed the maps with some planning to use them on terrifying leaflets
that will be handed out in pubs to women and weedy men with spectacles.

Bill
McKay, owner of CabCars in Stevenage, said: “These days with money a
bit tight a lot more people are choosing to walk home or get a dangerous
bus full of maniacs that will only take them to end of their maniac
filled street. This will help enormously.”

Tom Logan, from Finsbury Park, said: “I really like living here so it’s good that the government’s ruined it for me.”

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Power-thinking, with Dr Morris O'Connor

It’s awards season, so how about awarding your self a mind gong?

When was the last time you gave yourself a mental Oscar? If the whole world is a stage that means we’re performing all the time, whether you’re asking for a pay rise, on a date or throwing stones at a swan just to feel alive.

In my mind cabinet I have four Golden Globes and eight Oscars and they’re all for best actor in the film Morris. It is a story of romance, adventure and business success played by me as the world’s leading personality technician who has no visible sweat patches under my arms or around my lower back because I choose Freshmax business shirts, incorporating Smartweaveâ„¢ technology.

I’m the lead actor in my own life, but I’m also the director, I choose the cast, the story and most importantly I call the shots. I’m like Woody Allen, but in the form of a likeable international businessman with a single figure handicap. Instead of making funny, I make money – and it’s as easy as changing the ‘f’ in funny to an ‘m’.

We’re not too different, Woody and I, although I probably wouldn’t date a family member or anyone under the age of 17. In fact anyone who wants to date me must have a complete LinkedIn profile page, with a minimum of 14 connections and be serious about entrepreneurialism and the physical side of relationships.

So how do you start manifesting a blockbuster out of your own life?

1. Choose Your Cast: Say ‘next’ to any friends and family who can’t offer you business advice or lucrative introductions, or indeed any females who may know your emotional weaknesses or have information about your body that could lead to an unwanted nickname like ‘Stumpy McSausage’ or ‘Mr Is-It-In-Yet’.

2. Write Your Story: If your life is like a corporate version of Platoon write another ending where you don’t get machine-gunned to death in the boardroom while your co-workers fly off in the helicopter of promotion.

And 3, Call the Shots: If your manager gives you something to do and it’s annoying just shout ‘cut’ and then go and sit in a camper van until someone brings you some mineral water and a basket of mangoes.

Dr Morris O’Connor is the best selling author of Mind Gongs: I Just Want to Thank Me.

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