Dickens no longer relevant to thieving street orphans


THE works of Charles Dickens have nothing to offer London’s 21st Century thieving underclass, say experts.

'Who will buy this beautiful iPad that I stole off some bitch?'

As the literary world marks Dickens’ 200th anniversary, academics insist his descriptions of rosy-cheeked scallywags who relieve you of your pocket-watch, do not resonate with today’s street bastards.

Author Francesca Johnson, said: “Dickens contains very little in the way of criminal knowledge that would be useful to the little shit that stole my iPad.

“Meanwhile hardly any of them show even the slightest interest in accruing copious quantities of silk handkerchieves.

“And they are also unlikely to wear lovably battered top hats and wink in a cheeky fashion. Unless it’s a way of getting you off guard while they cut your hamstring with a Stanley knife.

“And if they lived in a big attic with some weird old guy they would probably have falsely accused him of paedophilia by now.

“Because they were bored.”

She added: “Dickens wrote of a society without proper education, in which the poor were left to their own devices and the rich grew ever richer. But crucially the underage thieves were very jolly.

“We’re so close to recreating his world. Perhaps Ian Duncan Smith could arrange some singing lessons in Deptford?”

  • Share: