Drunk Women Superb, Say Experts
WOMEN who get drunk on a regular basis are slim, happy and a bloody good night out, experts have claimed.
Researchers found that women who cannot remember what it’s like to wake up without a hangover also cannot remember ever looking at a piece of tofu with miserable po-faced resignation.
Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “While excess drinking can lead to the kind of nightmares you see scrapping outside a wedding reception, mid-level consumption leads to fun-loving, husky-voiced hedonism and the very real possibility of getting it.”
And while red wine was found to contain healthy antioxidants, Prof Brubaker stressed: “All drinks contain the vital component that makes her laugh at your shit jokes and instigate saucy physical contact while leaning in to light her cigarette. Especially the ones with umbrellas in them. It’s all very good indeed.”
Prof Brubaker believes moderate female drinkers manage to maintain their weight by spending all their disposable income on Sambuca shots and regularly vomiting.
He added: “With the advances in renal medicine and cosmetic dentistry, the side-effects are entirely treatable.
“But teetotallers and heavy drinkers gain weight because they eat to forget, either the fact they bore the tits off everyone at parties, or the last hotel room they woke up in smelling of a League One footballer’s nutsack.”
Feminist Nikki Hollis said: “The changing socio-political dynamic allied with the blurring of interpersonal gender roles is key to understanding the emergence of alco-positive female archetypes.”
Brubaker agreed, adding: “And they’ve usually got a filthy laugh on them and their own bar tab. It’s like a little piece of no-strings-attached heaven.”