'Emo' Kids Urged To Take Up Swingball
TEENAGERS in the grip of the 'emo' suicide cult have been urged to spend more time in the garden playing swingball.
Child behaviour experts stressed that summer is the perfect time to shrug off nihilistic angst with a makeshift badminton court or an impromptu water fight.
Dr Roy Hobbs said: "Get yourself a Fairy Liquid bottle and give it a good rinse. Add some balloons and a hose and hey presto! You're all set for a summer of fun!"
Dr Hobbs has claimed spectacular success in de-programming 'emo' victims with his combination of outdoor activities, creative writing exercises and fresh lemonade.
"Collecting frog spawn from the village pond is great fun and the children soon realise there's more to life than songs about eating your own vomit while pumped-up on skunk," he said.
"Fresh air is the key. There's nothing more satisfying than when a child puts down his iPod – filled with its hellish death racket – and picks up a fishing rod."
He added: "Rather than listing the different ways they'd like to kill themselves, I encourage them to write a poem or a short story about their favourite railway journey, or the day they won the 'Big Swingball Championship'.
"And if none of that works, I just tell the little shits to cheer the fuck up."