Facebook Prisoner Goes On Virtual Murder Spree

A PSYCHOTIC convict has killed a dozen people on the social networking website Facebook by sending them a message saying 'Rob has just murdered you'.

Rob Hodder, who is currently serving a four year sentence in HMP Bristol for threatening people on public transport with a juicer, used the website's Do A Brutal Murder function to execute the crimes from his mobile phone.

He now faces the real possibility of being sent a picture of a noose.

Dan Parkins, from Walsall, was one of those killed: "When I accepted a friend request from Rob I thought maybe he was someone I met in the chai tent at the Big Chill. Then he updated his status to 'Rob wants to wear your skin.'

"Next thing I knew, a tiny picture of a knife appeared on the screen next to a message saying I'd been murdered. It's tragic – I had so much to look forward to in life and my death is a great loss."

Chief Inspector Guy Lawson, who is leading the investigation into the murders, said: "What's particularly shocking about this case is that only minutes after his first attack the killer had uploaded a funny picture of a cheese slice that looks like a face.

"Hodder is a shockingly callous man and once we've found him on Facebook and joined his network we fully intend to use the Do A Hanging function."

A spokesperson for Facebook said: 'When we introduced the 'Do A Brutal Murder' feature we clearly overestimated our users' ability to differentiate between reality – as in things that actually exist – and the pretend world of tawdry self-promotion and nauseatingly contrived quirkiness that is our website."

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Lily Allen's Nose Contains 'Tiny Snowman Made By Gnomes'

THE white matter visible in Lily Allen's left nostril in a recent paparazzi photograph is a tiny snowman made by a family of gnomes who live up her nose, it was claimed last night.

A spokeswoman for the singer's PR company said the inside of Allen's nose is a self-contained magical world, like Narnia or the place in the Faraway Tree, which is home to a group of tiny gnomes called the Boggle Yips.

"Currently it is winter in the land of Lily's nose," she said, "and the little people, full of gnomish glee, have made a man out of snow. However, despite their small size they're quite clumsy with their hands and thus it turned out looking more like a medium-sized gak bogey.

"Despite having dabbled in the past, Lily is now resolutely anti-drugs, as are the Boggle Yips, who live in a quaint scale model of a cosy log cabin perched on top of her septum, where they mostly sit around a roaring fire drinking egg nog."

The spokeswoman said Allen was not the first of their celebrity clients to carry nostril-dwelling fantasy creatures whose mischievous activities can erroneously create the impression that they have just done a big line of beak.

She added: "Kate Moss has a couple of tiny white ponies running around up her nose. They are called Judy and Excalibur.

"Although Kate has long since turned her back on drugs, one of the ponies will occasionally poke its head out of her nostril in the hope that someone might give it a microscopic sugar cube. This happened recently when she was photographed coming out of the toilets at a fashion industry awards event.'

"To the untrained eye the tiny pure-white magical horse looks like a speck of semi-inhaled chop attached to a nasal hair. I bet it would be horrified if it knew.

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