the dailymash

Lawyers representing more than 80,000 of the UK's widest men and women claim the sofas used physical force and psychological tricks in a bid to make their owners sit down all day and not get a job.

Solicitor Julian Cook, who is representing almost 900 tonnes of humanity, said: "Whenever my clients talked about going for an interview or even just a short walk they would be shouted down and told they were worthless before being bullied into eating a nice, big slice of something lovely."

He added: "After particularly heated rows the sofas would often try to buy the affection of their owners with some large, hooped ear-rings or a tattoo."

Nikki Hollis, from Grantham, went from nine stone to 26 stone in less than a month after inviting a new sofa into her home.

She said: "We had some happy times together - the birth of my son N-Dub, series two of Britain's Most Haunted and the day the freezers broke in Iceland and they were handing out chicken drumshapes for 10p a bag.

"But over the years I noticed that it was becoming harder and harder to get up until it got to the point where I couldn't even get to the toilet. Don't look in that bag."
 
She added: "And now I'm so big I have to wash my chuff with a tea towel on a curtain rod. Can I have some money?"

But Bill McKay, a lawyer representing a three seater from Doncaster, said: "My client is guilty of nothing more than being himself. He offered comfort, security and love. And look at him now. He's all fucked up in the middle."