GCSEs to be replaced by Diploma in Mind-Bending Monotony

BUSINESS leaders have praised a new qualification that prepares students for a lifetime of servile drudgery.

The idiotification process is complete

The new Diploma in Mind-Bending Monotony, which will replace the GCSE, prepares young people for the transition from the banal tedium of school to the banal tedium of work.

Modules include Dream Abandonment, Petty Workplace Politics and Dealing With Mug Theft.

CBI chief Sir Roy Hobbs said: “Too many young people enter the workplace without a basic understanding of the soulless hamster-wheel of modern business.

“By crushing their spirits at school, they’re going to be much happier spending all day entering data or stirring vats of chicken sludge.”

Education secretary Michael Gove said: “The qualification is just as applicable to bright children who think they’re going to be a famous author or TV intellectual, which is why we’ve included the module You’re Not Going To Be Will Self, You’re Going To Be An Office Administrator.”

“Lots of kids have told me, ‘Thank you Mr Gove for switching me on to these groovy spreadsheets.’”

Student Nikki Hollis, 14, who is studying for the diploma, said: “I like it. If I get all the boxes stacked neatly my teacher gives me money to go to the pub.

“I’m not even sure if I’m still at school.”

Ministers said the said the diploma was already easing pressure on the job market, partly due to a 36% suicide rate among students.