Government issues guidelines for encounters with white BMWs

GUIDELINES for encounters with white BMWs, Mercedes and Audis have been published by the Department of Transport.

Chasing you through your nightmares

Chasing you through your nightmares

The vehicles, which are usually to be found in the third lane of the motorway approximately 1?in from the car in front, have been officially classed as a natural hazard.

A spokesman said: “Obviously anyone who drives a white car is an arsehole, and anyone who drives a German car is an arsehole. These drivers, therefore, are arseholes squared.

“When they come up behind, don’t move out of their lane too quickly. That just makes them angry. But wait too long and you’ll hit them as they undertake you.

“On country roads, where it’s impossible to move out of the way, if they flash their lights we advise calling a whiplash injury claims specialist immediately.

“If they sound their horn, call your loved ones and tell them how grateful you are for the time you’ve had.”

There are also new guidelines for dealing with drivers with “Daddy’s Little Princess” or “Powered by Fairydust” in their rear windscreens, which boil down to ‘Ram them before they ram you.’

Julian Cook, the driver of a white BMW 5 Series, said: “I don’t hit cyclists on purpose. It’s just that I have a special anti-poverty tinted windscreen that makes them invisible.

“The car also has automatic sensors that shout abuse at any pedestrians I almost run over, which is incredibly useful because I’m usually on the phone.

“And my car isn’t white. It’s Glacier Ibis.”