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HOME secretary Jacqui Smith last night insisted the government was making Britain a safer place after another big fall in spoon-related crime.
 Smith hailed a crackdown on Chinese spoon gangs
Smith said: “Attacks by carnivorous plants are at an historic low, cheese fraud is now virtually unknown, and sheep gangs have been brought under control.
“There are still a number of intelligent sea creatures who are stealing dogs from beaches but we are hoping to see the effects of an amnesty later this year.” Smith added: “We also have a village of alien children with spooky eyes who are enslaving people with their brainwaves, but they're all well below the age of criminal responsibility.” Wayne Hayes, a Neighbourhood Watch co-ordinator from Devon, said: “Some local youths threw plastic spoons at my wife, but when I called to report it, all the police wanted to know was whether she had been to Pakistan in the last 12 months.
“During the call I happened to mention that my electrician was an olive-skinned Brazilian and within minutes I had four guys kneeling on my chest and a gun up my nose.”
The only bleak spot in the crime figures was a near doubling in sadistic torture and random stabbings, a trebling in gun murders by children and a 400% increase in the number of people being shot in the face by the police.
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