Home workers spend all day laughing at you
HOME workers spend up to 85% of their working day laughing spitefully at anyone stupid enough to be in an office.
A new report shows that home workers begin the day chuckling to themselves as they send a couple of 7am emails so it looks like they’ve started early.
By lunchtime, home workers have laughed at taking an important call while wearing a FUCK THE POLICE t-shirt, missing Jayne’s collection for her sponsored sit, and the outraged emails when the canteen runs out of bacon sandwiches shortly after 9am.
Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “Being comfortable while others are suffering brings joy to the human heart, so being at home buying hats on the laptop while everyone else is at Mark from Marketing’s CRM presentation is a souce of joy.
“Enjoying a filter coffee while your colleagues chug machine-made shit causes a fit of giggles, while a reminder that you’re missing a work-in-progress meeting causes virtual hysteria.
“Even the concept of a smoke break is hilarious to someone alternating spreadsheet updates and bong hits.
“However, home workers miss those watercooler conversations about shagging and magical moments when the office is united in laughter, for example when Emma from sales gets her car towed for parking in the disabled space.”
Resourcing manager Carolyn Ryan said: “It’s the two-hour gourmet lunches I make while the rest of them are eating reheated cheese toasties in a filthy canteen that get me snorting.
“Also, during conference calls I pull my pants down, put the phone to my genitals and pretend that they’re doing the talking.”