Imaginary Oxbridge is top university

THE imaginary Oxbridge that exists only in the heads of people obsessed with going there is the UK’s top-ranked university.

It's like the castle of a Martian princess and it smells of pipe smoke

A new poll by the Institute for Studies found that the mythical amalgam of Oxford and Cambridge, which is like a more heterosexual version of Brideshead Revisited, ranked highest in terms of desirability and wish fulfillment.

Leeds University undergraduate Stephen Malley said: “I have no evidence for this, but you spend all day there drinking Pimms and shooting pheasants in the quad with Jeremy Irons.

“Then you probably go to a ball with your teddy bear and have sex with someone a bit like Emma Thompson in that episode of The Young Ones

Office manager Emma Bradford said: “If you go to Oxbridge you can have any job you want. You just say to the head of Oxbridge, ‘Can I be Prime Minister?’ and he says ‘Yes’.

“I’d never go to Oxbridge, though, even if I had any A-levels. You have to ride horses to lectures and I’m all allergic to animal hair.”

Cambridge admissions tutor Julian Cook said: “It’s time people stopped regurgitating outdated clichés about Oxford and Cambridge. My own college has not held naked fag races since 2009.

“We welcome applicants from all backgrounds, although it obviously does help if you’ve been to a hideously expensive private school to get the necessary superhuman levels of self-assurance.”