BROWN people who want to become British citizens will have to complete an army assault course and prove they can juggle, the home secretary announced last night.

Immigrants will get 30 seconds to memorise the place setting

Home secretary Jacqui Smith said: "Candidates will be asked to memorise a picture of a series of coloured blocks and then answer a series of easy questions about them such as 'what is the colour of the block two to the left of the block to the right of the green block?'

"They will then be shown a couple of video clips featuring that clever bloke, did all the improv shows, was in everything and then went bonkers, you know Stephen Fry's mate, after which they will have to identify six easy continuity errors."

She added: "Everyone will have to complete the assault course, including cargo nets, tyres and rope swings.

"Families from the sub-continent will not be allowed to help their fat grandmother over the wall. If she can’t climb it, she’s not coming in."

Finally, hopefuls will face a quickfire general knowledge round on how the British Empire destroyed their country, followed by a series of trick questions on the UK benefits system.

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