Immigration down as foreigners finally do some research
IMMIGRATION has fallen after people finally bothered to find out what Britain is actually like.
For decades thousands arrived filled with optimism, only to turn on their televisions and immediately start weeping into their Pot Noodles.
But now internet-savvy would-be immigrants from eastern Europe, Asia and Africa are changing their travel plans after spending an average of just four minutes online.
Ishmar Ahmed, from Bangladesh, said: “You do seem to spend an awful lot of time – you know, as a society – just talking shit.
“You don’t seem to make anything and as far as I can tell most of you work in marketing, advertising and public relations.
“So I think I’ll take my chances in a country that is for the most part at, or below, sea level.”
Nicolae Gromescu, from Romania, said: “I went on to the Trainline.com and created a hypothetical peak time journey from Portsmouth to Nottingham.
“You must think I’m some kind of fucking arsehole.”
And Nigerian Ben Habila added: “As someone who enjoys good food and friendly, professional service I think I’ll stick to fighting in a civil war.
“Also, Made in Chelsea? Are you all 14 year-old girls or something?”