Kestrel tax absolutely necessary, says Cameron

A TAX on kestrels belonging to underprivileged young boys is vital to Britain’s economic recovery, according to the prime minister.

In a speech to business leaders, David Cameron said it was time kestrel-owning youngsters made a financial contribution to Great Britain instead of “freeloading” off hard-working taxpayers.

Cameron said: “We believe there are literally hundreds of alienated youngsters finding solace in pet kestrels without paying a single penny in tax.

“The sense of entitlement is sickening. While hard-working families are struggling to get by, these youthful bird-fanciers are spending their days learning falconry in bleak, post-industrial Northern landscapes.

“We propose an annual kestrel tax of £8,500 per bird, with punitive measures for anyone attempting to cheat the system.

“The message is clear – pay up, or we will kill your kestrel and throw it in the bin.”

Cameron rejected suggestions that focusing on corporate tax avoidance would be more lucrative than cracking down on the poignant hobbies of low-income children.

15-year-old kestrel owner Tom Logan said: “I’m not really sure where I’ll get £8,500 from. To earn that I’d have to deliver loads extra on my paper round, and do it for 300 years.

“I suppose I could get a different pet, but gerbils don’t really symbolise freedom, or man’s inherently nobility whether he is a king or a knave. Plus who’s going to make a film called ‘Ger’?”