List of people almost given the chance to turn down honours leaked

A SECRET government list of those not quite important enough to be offered an honour they would then not accept has been published.

I would just like to clarify that I am no different to mortals

It includes the names of such insufficiently seminal figures as Tony Parsons, the artists Gilbert and George, and Janet Street Porter.

Parsons said: “I would have handed the award straight back because I am ideologically opposed to that sort of thing.

“Especially a paltry CBE. However I might, just might, have hypothetically considered the far superior Companionship of Honour.

“Probably not though. I am a lefty.”

Janette Krankie, who was almost sufficiently high-profile to knock back an honour said: “I reject the meaningless bauble and the values it enshrines, regardless of how it would make Americans want to buy me expensive dinners.

“Or rather I will reject it, in the unlikely event I’m ever offered it. Which I never will be.”

She added: “Although if I turned it down, that may be construed as pride masked by humility.

“So I would maybe accept it and them send it back, giving the less cliched impression of ‘pride redeemed by guilt’.

“Gosh, this is such a challenging hypothetical decision.”