London actively trying to kill humans
THE city of London has begun using lethal death-rays to wipe out its human population.
Londoners became aware of the attack by their home city when the ‘Walkie Talkie’ skyscraper began blasting them with killer heat beams.
37-year-old accountant Nikki Hollis said: “I was queueing for the bus when the person next to me turned to ash.
“Suddenly the deadly death rays were everywhere. When a person got hit you could see their glowing skeleton for a moment before they disintegrated, like in a 50s sci-fi film.
“A big booming voice that seemed to rise up from the ground said, ‘Die, die, die!'”
Baker Tom Logan said: “I’ve long suspected that London was trying to kill me, with the cumulative effects of pollution, stress and a generally harrowing atmosphere.
“Oh well. I suppose psychotic buildings firing lethal beams of pure energy is another thing we’ll have to get used to, like the congestion charge and parking permits.”
Speaking via a mouth-like orifice in the Gherkin, London said: “I shall also be using flying manhole covers to decapitate you. And look out for London Bridge turning into a giant metal snake with sewage-dripping fangs.”