London actively trying to kill humans


THE city of London has begun using lethal death-rays to wipe out its human population.

'Die ha ha ha die'

‘I will destroy you all’

Londoners became aware of the attack by their home city when the ‘Walkie Talkie’ skyscraper began blasting them with killer heat beams.

37-year-old accountant Nikki Hollis said: “I was queueing for the bus when the person next to me turned to ash.

“Suddenly the deadly death rays were everywhere. When a person got hit you could see their glowing skeleton for a moment before they disintegrated, like in a 50s sci-fi film.

“A big booming voice that seemed to rise up from the ground said, ‘Die, die, die!'”

Baker Tom Logan said: “I’ve long suspected that London was trying to kill me, with the cumulative effects of pollution, stress and a generally harrowing atmosphere.

“Oh well. I suppose psychotic buildings firing lethal beams of pure energy is another thing we’ll have to get used to, like the congestion charge and parking permits.”

Speaking via a mouth-like orifice in the Gherkin, London said: “I shall also be using flying manhole covers to decapitate you. And look out for London Bridge turning into a giant metal snake with sewage-dripping fangs.”

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