Lost rave tribe found beneath Hacienda
A SEMI-MYTHICAL group of troglodyte ravers has been discovered by workmen at Manchester’s legendary Hacienda.
The astounding anthropological find came after labourers preparing the building for its 30th anniversary celebrations were alerted by muffled sounds of uplifting piano house coming from behind a wall.
Further excavation revealed over 140 sealed-in ‘lost’ ravers – who now refer to themselves as the Gurnites and operate a simple barter economy based on drugs, cigarettes and bottled water – making repetitive movements while sucking dummies.
Rave historian Nikki Hollis said: “It’s a long-standing rumour that when the Hacienda closed, a group of truly hardcore dancers decided to wall themselves up in its basement rather than face the demise of dance culture.
“Several hundred baggy-trousered E-heads, along with DJ Graeme Park and a decent sized sound system remained in the bowels of the building, determined that the party would continue forever.
“But until now I just thought it was one of those club culture myths, like ‘the friendly bouncer’.”
Builder Stephen Malley said: “They’d been living on dirty condensation leaking from overhead pipes then bottled and re-sold as ‘mineral water’ at £5 a pop.
“The room stinks of Vicks and there are bug-eyed near-skeletons blowing whistles and shouting ‘fucking come on’. It’s pretty old school in there.”
Plans are now afoot to let the Gurnites continue their decades-long party as a kind of living museum.
Manchester city councillor Tom Logan said: “We hope that school groups can visit the eternal ravers and learn about what youth culture used to be like before it got ruined by corporate sponsorship.
“And also of course the physical and mental effects of getting ‘one more tune’ 300,000 times in a row.”