Marriage tax breaks ‘should be extended to any couple not having sex’

MINISTERS are being urged to extend a tax break for married people to any couple whose sex life is a distant memory.

For most couple intimacy involves making each other cups of tea

For most couples intimacy involves making each other cups of tea

The plan to give married couples an extra £150 a year has angered people who say their long-term relationships are just as devoid of genital fun as any marriage.

Tom Booker, an architect from Hatfield, said: “We may not have signed a piece of paper, but my girlfriend and I have a mortgage, a child, and I received my last blowjob in June 2010 when England were knocked out of the World Cup. And that was really just a fancy hug.”

Donna Sheridan, a nursery teacher from Finbsury Park, said: “I’m against marriage because my boyfriend’s surname is Cockshuffle, but that doesn’t mean our relationship hasn’t become a hellish prison in which we both masturbate secretly behind closed doors.

“I want the government to recognise that with money.”

She added: “At the very least I should be able to claim tax relief on my collection of diesel-powered German dildos.”

Meanwhile, gay groups say the tax break should also include sex-free civil partnerships. Julian Cook said: “The myth about gay guys having loads of sex has turned out to be a very huge myth indeed.

“My partner and I have been together seven years, and when we’re both hinting that a blowjob would help relieve work-related stress it’s like we’re North and South Korea.”

Senior Tory Lord Tebbit has vehemently opposed the reforms, adding: “If all it takes is not having sex, what’s to stop a non-incestuous brother and sister claiming it? Or a cowboy and his unattractive horse? Or two men, a frog and a banjo?

“Who are you? What are we talking about?”