Men celebrate exclusion from soft play centres

FATHERS are ecstatic at the arrival of soft play centres that they are not allowed into.

Abandon hope all ye who play here

Their jubilation follows media reports of a ‘women only’ play centre marketed at its local Asian community.

Father-of-three Tom Booker said: “Far from being engulfed by frenzied feelings of anti-Islamic righteous anger, I sat back with a smug smile on my face imagining a future free of ball pools.

“Childless people, or as I like to call them ‘the alive’, have no idea a pocket of Hell exists on their high street.

“I tell them to imagine a lawless zone, like Hamsterdam in The Wire, filled with instruments of torture, where no act of violence is too extreme.”

Stephen Malley, who has twins, said: “I’ve seen grown men drowning in ball pools while frantic assistants try to throw a rope into their desperately grasping hands.

“I’ve seen mothers splayed lifeless at the bottom of bumpy slides, and rampaging packs of six-year-olds, high on Fruit Shoots, mercilessly pursuing their own brothers like a litter of piglets hell-bent on the destruction of the runt.

“It’s a padded, colourful nightmare.

“They should ban women as well, black out the windows, change the name from Cheeky Chimps to Lord of the Flies, and just let the kids go primal until only the strongest survive.”