the dailymash

'Cachi bant'

The principality’s tourist board plans to advertise it as the new premier holiday destination for thrill-seekers with the slogan ‘The Town that Tells the Rest of the World to Fuck Off’.

Merthyr resident, Wayne Hayes, said “Between the nappy-clad smokers and barely-concealed undercurrent of violence, living here is like a bronchial cross between Jeremy Kyle and Jurassic Park.

“Every trip to the corner shop is an adventure where coming home intact feels like a victory.

“I used to live in London and worry about whether Fleet Foxes were still cool or when I was going to visit a new gastro pub. Now my only concern is whether I’ve left anything flammable in the garden.”

A recent Merthyr survey, printed on the back of incapacity benefit forms, found the most pressing concern for parents was not whether children would get into a good school but whether their smoker’s cough would adversely affect their ability to burgle without getting caught.

Similarly, national concerns over pension provisions were not reflected in a town where most people are dead before the age of retirement. The most-reported cause of stress in the survey was ‘paternity tests’.

Hayes added: “When absolutely anything could kill you at any second you reach a level of Zen-like acceptance that’s really quite invigorating.

“Bob Dylan wrote that ‘When you’ve got nothing you’ve got nothing to lose’ but had he been a Merthyr lad, ignoring the fact he’d be unable to write, he’d probably have said ‘When you’ve got nothing, fling a shopping trolley through the window of Threshers, grab as much as you can and run like fuck’.”