Middle-class drug abuse linked to Radio 2 ‘shout outs’

AN epidemic of anti-anxiety drug usage has been blamed on increasingly protracted ‘shout outs’ by callers to BBC Radio 2.

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Mid-morning spikes in prescription drug consumption have been found to directly correlate with contestants requesting ‘a few hellos’ on Ken Bruce’s PopMaster.

Former accountant, Helen Archer, said “As a full-time mum, I often play Radio 2 to pep up my daily kitchen routine. But when PopMaster comes on, things start to unravel.

“The male contestants usually kick off by pinning the blame for their failed haulage businesses on all the times they’ve been unsuccessful at getting on PopMaster.

“If a woman is on, she simply weeps for the duration of the questions. I can usually get through it by screaming ‘Katrina and the Waves’ non-stop until it’s over, which also usually gets me at least six points.

“But then the losing contestant asks for his shout outs. And it’s usually during the long pause between ‘all the guys from the showroom’ and ‘my wife, Pat’ that I reach for the Xanax.”

A BBC spokesman said:  “We aim to combat this by vetting phone-ins so people only get to speak if they have a truly gripping celebrity story and notable list of hellos.

“So, for next week’s PopMaster we’ve pencilled in Abu Qatadar against Janet Jackson.

“Abu says he’s got a great story about the time he stayed at the same hotel as Matt Cardle, and they’ve both promised not to swear so people can really just sit back and relax.”