CHILDREN across Britain are being spruced up and placed on the open market today as millions of middle class parents look to cut their losses.
As the government abolished child benefit for people on more than £44,000 a year, economists said middle class youngsters would no longer generate an acceptable yield for all but the most cautious of investors.
Julian Cook, of Donnelly-McPartlin, said: “Fifteen years ago a decent British child was delivering four to four and a half per cent a year. But inflation has steadily eaten away at it and now this move by the government has turned them into the sentient mammal version of junk bonds.
“If you have a tall or sturdy child then you have a good chance of attracting a Russian buyer. They’re cash rich and always need new sparring partners for their goons.”
He added: “I’ll be liquidising my three teenagers and transferring about 45% into zinc, 25% into Chinese tobacco and I’ll spend whatever’s left on a new crossbow.”
Emma Bradford, mother of 14 year-old Duncan, said: “He is a delightful boy. Indeed, there have been several occasions when he has come tantalisingly close to making me happy.
“We’ve set an asking price of £17,500 which may seem a little high but he has a fine set of balls and he oozes old world charm. We’ll take £10,500 and a decent second hand horse box.”
Tom Logan, an estate agent from from Hatfield, is selling 12 year-old Abigail Hobbs on a freehold.
“She’s a happy go lucky little girl and she comes with her own trombone. She’d make an excellent weekend daughter for a pair of busy professionals or a full time grand-daughter for a retired couple who want to have another crack at it.
“I reckon you could do up her teeth for less than six grand.”
