Mild cheese not cheese, say experts


CHEESE which is weaker than ‘medium’ is an abomination, experts have confirmed.

Researchers at the Institute for Studies criticised the dairy industry for bestowing the ‘cheese’ label on products that had the flavour of insulating foam.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “Mild cheese is vile. We sampled things that were really just slices of milk, and skimmed milk at that, which is basically white water.

“As a rule of thumb, if you eat it with wine, and both taste better as a consequence, it’s probably cheese. If you eat it with corned beef in a sandwich, you’re in no position to say what is and what is not food.”

Mild cheese fan Roy Hobbs said: “I tried some so-called mature cheese once. It smelled of garden mulch and tasted like soft, spreadable goat.

“Dairylea Lunchables are superior to your workshy, fancy French and Italian cheeses, and they go beautifully with a vintage Ribena.”

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