Most British Children Now Demons
MORE than half of all British children are demons whose souls have been devoured by Satan, according to a new study.
Researchers claim that since 1998 around 56% of British children have been possessed by some of hell's most senior demons including Baal, Legion and the Moloch.
And they said it was vital the media continued to demonise children, otherwise they would be 'playing straight into Satan's hands'.
Dr Tom Logan, of the Institute for Studies, said: "The last thing you want to do with a demon is pretend he isn't one.
"We took one child who seemed perfectly nice, but when we x-rayed him we got a very clear image of a snarling, two-headed devil-dog.
"When we showed him the x-rays he got very agitated and started speaking backwards in Aramaic before nicking my iPhone."
Dr Logan added: "The mother in The Exorcist tried to pretend her daughter was not a demon.
"The next thing you know there's a dead guy at the bottom of a flight of stairs with his head turned all the way round.
"I'm not saying your child is going to throw someone out of a window and then do unspeakably dirty things with a crucifix. But that doesn't mean they're not a mouthy little shit."