Near death experience gets contemporary makeover

GOD has updated the ‘near death experience’ for the first time since the 70s.

No more bright lights and hugs

No more bright lights and hugs

The deity has retired the tunnel-style visuals, dry ice and unflattering ‘curtain’ robes that the deceased’s ancestors were forced to wear.

God said: “A few people had complained about the robes saying they were a bit ’70s TV movie’. Personally I like robes, I think they’re a design classic, but sometimes you must submit to popular taste.

“In the new near death experience, instead of coming up a tunnel you just flash straight into a minimalist warehouse space with a sexy girl DJ and buff angels offering fresh organic grapes.

“Then your dead relatives appear in 80s Diadora tracksuits, like something in a Daft Punk video.

“They’re going to act normal and not be all like ‘we love you’, which is frankly off-putting. I’ve told everyone to keep the chat light.”

Account manager Julian Cook took on the project after his own disappointing near death experience: “At first I saw pure white light which was absolutely spot on from a design perspective.

“Then the most ghastly vision of an English country cottage appeared, like a bloody Hallmark card without even the ironic urban sampling ethos that makes Cath Kidston such a powerful high-street brand.

“Unfortunately the world beyond is currently dominated by pre-war old folk who like a nice watercolour of a stone bridge, commemorative plates of Royal occasions and doilies under everything.

“But this re-imagining is pretty awesome. You’re really going to want to die.”