Open the f**king door, Dry January people tell landlords

PUBS are surrounded by hordes of desperate, angry Dry January participants.

Former Dry January people, realising that their hell is over, have gathered in large half-dressed mobs wherever alcohol is sold. Where necessary they are using their fists and pieces of furniture to smash their way in.

Office worker Mary Fisher is one of the angry horde outside the Hope & Anchor pub in Stepney. She said: “Why isn’t it fucking open? It’s nearly five in the morning, they should be open now, shouldn’t they? OPEN THE FUCKING DOOR.

“I would just quite like a drink, that’s all.”

Bus driver Stephen Malley said: “If I remember a single minute of February then something has gone wrong.

“Taking a month off was interesting but now all I can think about is the taste, look and smell of beer. By this point anything vaguely amber in colour looks like lager to me, earlier I licked a golden retriever.”