Our jobs are not even slightly dignified, Britain points out

THE prime minister’s promise to give everyone “the dignity of a job” has confused Britons whose jobs are a humiliating parade of shame.

The prime minister’s plan for blue-collar conservatism, which has seen his cabinet puzzling their way through Bruce Springsteen’s Born To Run, ignores the facts that most jobs offer all the dignity of greased clowns in a mudpit.

Burger chain employee Stephen Malley said: “I have to wear a hair-net, a beard-net, and a badge showing exactly how well I’m progressing which is why drunks hail me with ‘Oi, one-star, there’s sick on the floor.’

“Barry Chuckle has more gravitas in the workplace than me.”

Marketing manager Carolyn Ryan agreed: “Officially, my job is to sell our company to B2B clients, but actually it’s to dance like a monkey puppet at the behest of my superior.

“Last week he rewrote my presentation so it made no sense and then, when I was halfway through it, stopped me to tell everyone how wrong I was while I stood there like a drooping erection at a Royal garden party.”

Cameron followed up his promise by saying everyone deserves “the pride of a pay cheque”, prompting new employment minister Priti Patel to ask if he had ever heard of BACS payments.