Out Of Date iPhone Users Forced To Sit At Back Of Bus

08-06-10

PEOPLE who own the out of date iPhone will be forced to sit at the back of the bus, it emerged last night.

That's more like it

New rules will mean that users of the iPhone 3G or 3GS must occupy the last four rows and if the bus is full and a new iPhone user gets on, the old iPhone user nearest to the door must give up their seat.

The regulations will also apply to municipal swimming pools, where old iPhone users will be allowed in for 20 minutes once a month, and their use of libraries and public lavatories will also be severely restricted.

Meanwhile, as the police warned they would not hestitate to use dogs and fire hoses to quell unrest, across Soho, bars and restaurants have placed signs in their windows stating ‘version fours only’ and ‘no iPhone 3GS, no Irish’.

Wayne Hayes, founder of the exclusive private members’ club, Prick House, said: “I just don’t think that old and new iPhone owners should mix. It’s not natural. They should have their own places.

“And I don’t care what anyone says, they just don’t have the same range of functions as we do.”

But Julian Cook, manager of Ponce, the popular Dean Street wine bar, said: “We’re not banning them completely. We’ve marked out a special area in the corner where they can all sit together and be served poor quality food.

“Perhaps when they see the new version owners laughing and being 24% thinner, it might encourage them to start acting like civilised human beings.”

Experts say drug abuse and criminality are higher among out of date iPhone users, though there is debate over whether this is caused by old iPhone ownership or whether it is simply genetic.

Helen Archer, who has two cameras and can support high definition video, said: “I just can’t have them around me. I don’t feel safe. And they have a pungent odour.”

But Stephen Malley, an outreach worker from Finsbury Park, said: “I spend a lot of my time working with people who have the 3GS and have forged some lasting friendships.”

He added: “They’re such wonderful dancers and they can run like the wind.”

 

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