Parents praying their kids haven’t succeeded at A Levels

AS A-Level results are released, Britain’s parents are hoping their children didn’t screw up their retirement plans by getting into university.

‘Dad? It’s me – you’re fucked.’

With many universities charging £9,000 tuition fees, most parents believe it would be a total nightmare if their children enter higher education.

Father-of-two Tom Logan said: “Hopefully the pressure really got to him. Because I want an Audi.

“My son is academically gifted, he wants to go to Oxford. Oxford, for fuck’s sake. I’d have to buy him a top hat, logs for the fireplace in his rooms, a rowing boat…

“The selfish little devil doesn’t seem to realise I’m nearly 50 and was hoping to move somewhere hot before I get so old my limbs fall off.”

Emma Bradford, from Norwich, said: “I tried to sabotage my daughter’s revision by bringing her pre-rolled joints and milky drinks laced with sedatives.

“And I explained to her that for every exam question she answers correctly, that’s an extra year I have to work.

“She’s hoping to study biology, yet still doesn’t understand that going to university would make her like one of those insect larvae that hatches and eats its parent alive.”

Engineer Stephen Malley said: “If my son gets the grades he needs for Durham, I’ll congratulate him with a big hug – he won’t know the real reason I’m crying – then sidle off to call the dean and tell him he compulsively smears walls with his own faeces.”