WEST Midlands Police have withdrawn a CCTV scheme after admitting they can no longer just sit there, staring at Birmingham.
The cameras were installed as an anti-terrorism measure but security experts quickly realised the only things in the area worth blowing up were the cameras themselves.
Inspector Tom Logan said: “After endless footage of Birmingham city centre, many officers were praying a lorry full of fertiliser and nails was parked next to their heads.
“Nietzsche said that if you stare into the abyss long enough, the abyss stares back at you. I can prove empirically that is indeed the case. And may I also add that the abyss sounds like Jasper Carrott.”
Meanwhile, it has emerged that many of the officers have developed chronic amphetamine addictions to help them stay awake.
One local resident said: “I was coming home from a night shift and as I walked past the police station I could hear two officers having a really intense conversation about who was going to the 24-hour garage for Red Bull while Motorhead played in the background.”
A written log of one officer monitoring the CCTV revealed:
09:28: I thought I saw a crisp packet go by, and then I realised that I just hoped I did. Oh sweet fucking Jesus, it’s only half-nine.
11:42: Pigeon.
13:26: Pigeon.
15:13: Have started moving the camera around in a semaphore of despair, but nobody sees, nobody cares.
17:38: Chaffinch?
21:53: It’s raining. Again. Am going to pass time calculating the number of raindrops it would take to drown myself.
Drama critic, Charlie Reeves, praised the CCTV log, adding: “It’s like an episode of The Bill co-written by Pinter and Beckett, but I wouldn’t recommend it unless you can turn your cheerfulness button all the way up to Kriss Akabussi.”
