Policing seems to work


HAVING a gigantic number of policemen on the streets of London does seem to prevent riots, it emerged last night.

A lot of people really like The Mentalist, actually

The bold experiment in public order was declared a success after thugs and looters realised there were 16,000 heavily armoured professionals, each carrying a big fuck-off stick with their name on it.

The government may now extend ‘policing’ beyond Royal weddings, the Cheltenham Festival and the fat, jolly, middle-aged one who stands outside 10 Downing Street and hands petitions to the person who then puts them in the bin.

Home secretary Theresa May said: “We should not jump to conclusions. We need to study the results of last night’s experiment to make sure that we do not begin policing Britain’s streets by mistake.

“Were the rioters a bit tired after three nights of unmolested chaos? Was there anything particularly good on the television? I, for instance, was watching The Mentalist.”

Suddenly-introverted rioter Martin Bishop said: “I decided that, on balance, I did not want to be shot in the chest with a plastic bullet. Perhaps if I believed in something, or had some kind of grievance, then maybe. But for the time being I would prefer to remain indoors.”

However there were disturbances in parts of Britain that don’t matter.

Roy Hobbs, assistant chief constable of West Midlands Police, said something unimportant and reading it would only be a waste of your valuable time.

And Gloucester now faces a 7pm curfew for the next 18 months amid fears that an invitation to an engagement party in Winchcombe may have been set on fire deliberately.

But the country’s sombre mood has been boosted as Labour leader Ed Miliband cut short his Amnesty International-approved holiday and offered to help the police investigation with his bionic nose.

He said: “I stand ready and able to sniff out guilt, simmering resentment or a hot Wii.”

Miliband insisted he would not make political capital out of the riots but said it would never have happened under a Labour government because until May last year inner-city youths were all exactly the same as Billy Elliot.

Meanwhile, in Manchester, debate continues over whether the city had experienced serious social unrest or a Tuesday.


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