Pope warns against compassion

POPE Francis has urged Catholics not to waste their valuable time on caring.

'I love incense, so we should have more of that'

‘I love incense, so we should have more of that’

In his first Pope speech, he said the church needs to start dazzling people with really good prayers and even bigger incense burners if it is to move on from just being ‘a big sex club’.

Francis said: “Without praying to Jesus, we’re basically just Liberace impersonators who eat fish on a Friday and tell people where to put their orgasms.

“So let’s really think about these prayers that we’ve been doing. Should they include more celebrity gossip? Are they loud enough? Should we shout them in an angry voice?”

He added: “The New Testament actually has very little to say about compassion. At least mine doesn’t. Then again, I did steal my Bible from a hotel, so maybe it isn’t a very good one. I really wouldn’t know.”

Francis wants the church to take on ‘new and exciting challenges’ including a relaunched Inquisition, insisting it would make the Church ‘unbelievably relevant to a wide-range of people’.

The Pope also warned that without more chanting Catholicism ‘could end up as an NGO, like those scumbag hippies at Amnesty and Oxfam’.