Prison escape lacks narrative drive

02-07-12

A real-life prison escape completely lacked the tension and excitement of Hollywood prison breaks, it has emerged.

Was not hiding massive hole

Convicted murderer John Massey, 64, escaped from Pentonville Prison by lowering himself over a wall and running away, a plan that completely lacked the ingenuity of spending 20 years digging a tunnel with a tiny rock hammer.

A Prison Service spokesman  said: “At the very least we would have preferred Massey to escape while handcuffed to another prisoner, leading to wise-ass dialogue and them going ‘WOOOOOOOAAH SHIIIIT!’ when they try to drive a car.

“It also appears that Massey did not enlist the help of an older African-American prisoner, probably because his actual cellmate is a burglar from Swindon with drug and mental health issues who spends all day doing puzzle books.”

An investigation is now underway to establish how Massey managed to escape without threatening a prison doctor with a syringe full of floor cleaner, getting his girlfriend to hide a gun in her vagina, or building a glider.

Home secretary Theresa May said: “Britain still suffers from dramatically uninteresting escapes. Massey escaped in order to visit his elderly mother, not to avoid a vicious gang of male rapists, which would have been more exciting.

“We’re trying to encourage more male rape among inmates, but a lot of them just don’t fancy each other.”

Massey is now back in custody, where he is believed to be devising a complicated plan to run off when someone leaves a door open.

 

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