‘Property ladder’ replaced by ‘treacherous property rope bridge’

THE metaphorical ‘property ladder’ is to be replaced by a rickety and unstable ‘property rope bridge’, spanning a yawning property chasm filled with property crocodiles.

Hungry spiv crocodiles lurk in the water below

The new metaphor will officially replace the outdated ‘ladder’ motif – traditionally used to describe an individual’s progress through the housing marketing – from early August.

Nikki Hollis, head of the government’s housing metaphor think tank, said: “Henceforth, those formerly on the ‘first rung’ of the property ladder will find themselves ‘hanging by a fraying property rope over a fast-flowing river’.

“First-time buyers will be able to imagine their bank manager as Mola Ram from Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom, laughing and hacking away at the ropes.

“The traditional ‘ladder’ image, with its attendant sense of robustness, order, and a sturdy place to rest your full body weight without plunging to your death, has been outdated for almost a decade.

“This new metaphor will illustrate all of the unpleasantness and jeopardy of attempting to buy or sell a house in the current property market.

“Or ‘property jungle’, as it will now be referred to.”

Other metaphors that were considered include ‘property three-legged stool’ and ‘property red-light district’, in which the homeowner would walk the streets dressed only in a skimpy dress made of their life savings, attempting to attract the interest of leering estate agents in passing Mini Coopers with their logo painted on them.