Royal wedding police unveil 'riot squad of hearts'

29-03-11

THE Metropolitan Police have vowed that next month’s royal wedding will be a glorious pageant of tear gassed wonder.

Anarchy can only be defeated by love and a good kicking

Thousands of police will carry heart-shaped riot shields and the soles of their metal toe-capped boots will feature a photo of the royal couple, ensuring that the love between Prince William and his bride will be the last thing a protestor sees before he loses consciousness.

Chief Inspector Roy Hobbs said: “It will be a fairytale occasion, like Goldilocks and the Three Trustafarians Getting Their Fucking Heads Kicked In or The Princess and the Punch in the Kidneys.

“Our officers will do everything they can to make sure the tiny minority that want to disrupt the proceedings don’t spoil it for the tiny minority that want to watch the proceedings.”

Officers will also be issued with a commemorative red, white and blue nightstick, while the Queen’s Perfumer has created a souvenir pepper spray blending subtle hints of jasmine, rosewater and scotch bonnet chili.

But anarchist Wayne Hayes stressed: “We’re working night and day to think of a way this wedding is somehow related to globalisation.

“And my mate Raz is already knocking up a banner depicting Kate and William as Nazi vampires setting fire to a pile of dead badgers whilst sat in an Israeli tank in Gaza.

“It’s a confusing image, yes, but you can’t say it’s not powerful.”

He added: “The real obstacle we face is not the police but the fact that most people will be using the day off to get obliviously shitfaced.

“Kate Middleton could walk down the aisle wearing a Donald Duck mask and a strap-on dildo and the only people who will notice will be Kay Burley and the Archbishop of Canterbury.”

 

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