PEOPLE in rural areas with poor internet access are receiving their pictures of vaginas by courier pigeon.
The birds, which are housed in the lofts of major LA porn studios, relay hardcore pornography via USB sticks and rolled-up photographs inserted into their backsides.
They land outside the home offices or sheds of subscribers to the service and are also trained to be completely non-judgemental.
One subscriber from the Peak District said: "They have provided me with my own dedicated pigeon, Icarus, who visits me weekly with a memory stick containing the images of bareback double anal that are my particular pecadillo.
"After viewing the films I strap a tenner to his wing with an elastic band and gently re-insert the USB stick using a touch of Swarfega."
He added: "People say it's a hassle but when I was a boy I crossed three counties to look at a torn photocopy of a page from Razzle that a cousin's friend's brother had hidden in an orchard.
"Back then, if I had been able to find hours of extreme pornography up a pigeon, I'd have thought all my Christmases had come at once. I suppose it's a generational thing."
But said 'Terry E' of Suffolk said: "My wife got suspicious and secretly bought a hawk. I got up one morning and the lawn was strewn with feathers and pictures of splayed bumholes. Busted.
"But I still think it's a great system overall. You could probably use the same principle to replicate other functions of home internet access. Whatever they are."
