Sexy posh girls unveil bullshit fad diet

TWO hot, incredibly annoying posh girls have unveiled the latest bullshit fad diet.

Daisy and Sparks de Crouton, who are sisters but also seem to fancy each other, made up some nonsense in about 20 minutes then immediately got a publishing deal for their book Yum-Fresh Diet.

Sparks said: “It’s a lovely yummy book of all the things we like to eat while sitting in massive windows with our jumpers pulled down to our knees.

“We used to be a right pair of heifers before discovering the Yum-Munch lifestyle, which involves just eating lemons six days a week, then having one day when you eat shitloads of cake.

“You can get any extra nutrients by sucking the paint off a toy car. It’s science.”

Daisy said: “Sometimes you wake up and amble semi-naked into your massive farmhouse kitchen and can’t work out what to eat because the cupboards are so stuffed with delicious Waitrose goodies and even posher things bought from ‘food halls’.

“The answer is lemons, processed in some incredibly expensive piece of hardware made by our friend Detmar’s company HealthZap.

“There are lots of pictures of us in the book being snuggly and cosy. We feel really blessed.”

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Trump starts day by idly crossing countries off world map

DONALD Trump has started his day by idly crossing off countries on a map of the world.

Trump sat down at 8am, rolled out a map and then thoughtlessly began ‘firing’ countries that ‘aren’t America’.

Trump said, “I crossed Iran off first for obvious reasons. I’m not sure what they are but I assume they’re obvious to most.

Next I crossed off Ireland as the way I see it, they’re only two letters from being radicalised into Iranland and that’s something that I don’t think any of us wants.”

Costa Rica, that can go too.”

After Trump had finished deciding what countries would still exist by 2018, he then called Vladimir Putin ‘just for a chat’ but was told by his secretary that the Russian President was busy but would definitely call him back when he got a spare five minutes.

Trump added: “I mean I was just ringing up to shoot the shit really but no, it’s totally cool, we can chat later.”

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