the dailymash

Paris is now awash with rumours that Bruni is having an affair with some pathetic singer whose only qualification for her affection is his consistent ability to be about five foot eleven, maybe six foot at a push.

Meanwhile Sarkozy is understood to be seeking comfort and blow jobs from a political colleague, who experts say may be relatively attractive, but is, compared to Carla Bruni, basically a man.

But despite assurances that it was nothing more than a case of French people being all French, small men took to the internet to brainstorm a range of new tactics.

Early suggestions include thicker seat cushions, extra hairgel and assassinating any man who can get something off the top of a wardrobe without using a chair.

Nathan Muir, a five foot eight plumber from Peterborough, said: "He's got the Elyseé Palace, an independent nuclear deterrent and a castle off the coast of Provence that makes Chequers look like an Anglian conservatory built by Welshmen.

"I've got a second hand Golf and this pair of thick-soled Timberlands. I'm going to have to resort to a combination of rohypnol and stilts."

The Bruni Catastrophe comes just a year after Formula One billionaire Bernie Ecclestone was unable to keep hold of his stunningly attractive, Amazon climbing frame of a wife.

Tom Logan, a five foot seven architect from Hatfield, said: "Money doesn't work. Power doesn't work. I suppose I could try being funny. What does Ronnie Corbett's wife look like? Oh dear, that's a shame."