Some people not into football

A SMALL number of British people are not responding correctly to football, it has emerged.

The Institute for Studies believes it has identified a sub-group that is not only indifferent to football, but in some cases actively dislikes the game.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “It had long been accepted that some women and homosexuals struggle to engage with football, but it’s hard to understand how a straight man might malfunction in this way.”

The phenomenon of ‘ball-deniers’ emerged yesterday when Roy Hobbs passed through his village summoning all males to the pub to watch an important match.

However 36-year-old Wayne Hayes failed to respond appropriately.

Hobbs said: “He refused to join us. Looking over his shoulder, I could see that his television was switched to a non-sport channel. I didn’t understand.”

Hayes, who has been quarantined in the Institute for Studies’ laboratory, said: “I just struggle to identify emotionally with these men and their leather sphere. Perhaps it’s because I’ve never met any of the players. They feel like strangers to me.

“Please take these electrodes out of my nose, I think they’re touching my brain. Is my family safe?”

Professor Brubaker said: “Hayes claims to be naturally ambivalent to football. Clearly this is impossible. On some level, even if he doesn’t realise it, he’s being spiteful.”