Twitter users shocked to discover 9/11 was real

TEENAGE Twitter users believe that the events of September 11, as portrayed in movies World Trade Center and United 93, were fictional, it has emerged.

Close to a thousand teenagers, across the United States and the world, have tweeted messages like “OMG 9-11 was totally a thing… am I dumb for not knoing this?” and “Twin Towers movie not just a movie! #hadnoidea”.

Beauty therapist Helen Archer said: “I did wonder why there was so many films about the same thing but there’s like hundreds of films on vampires and they’re not real. Are they?

“Does that mean all those shaky-camera documentary style films, like The Bourne Supremacy, actually happened?”

But many have claimed there is no evidence the events were not fictional. 1TrueRed tweeted: “#911real stupids need to check IMDB, its just a remake of Towering Inferno made in 1970s”. The tweet received 1,876 retweets.

The lack of any record of September 11 on Twitter timelines or Facebook pages has also been cited as evidence that the terrorist attacks never happened.

Student Stephen Malley said: “So if 9-11 is real, what else is? You’re not telling me Pearl Harbor actually happened, for fuck’s sake. I saw that movie and there’s just no way.

“I’m not into those history films anyway. I prefer true-life horror stories like Paranormal Activity. You know that’s actually based on a girl I went to school with?”

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Idiot toffs inadvertently end gun culture

URBAN gun culture is officially over after some red trouser-type dickhead waved a fake pistol around.

Police stations across the UK have been inundated by youth gang members surrendering their weapons since a wealthy, foppish friend of buttock host organism Pippa Middleton did for guns what Vanilla Ice did for hip hop.

Youth worker Nikki Hollis said: “What self-respecting street kid wants to look like they’re a trainee investment banker called Fergus?

“We’re driving the ‘guns are for toffs’ message home with posters showing a fop wearing deck shoes and a jumper tied around his neck with the slogan ‘This piece carries a piece’.”

Gang member Tom Logan said: “I’ve had to stop carrying a gun in case people think I went to one of those schools in a castle where everyone wanks onto a biscuit.

“I’ll probably just get a normal job now. I’m kind of grateful to those bell ends, they’ve broken the cycle of violence through the power of twattery.”

Media analyst Emma Bradford said: “This incident confirms the Middleton sisters as the Kardashians for people who buy things in Jack Wills.”

But while urban gun crime appears to be finished, toff-on-toff violence has escalated.

Chelsea resident Julian Cook said: “Right now there’s a lot of beef – or as we call it ‘filet mignon’ – between Chelsea and South Ken. It started over an unpaid champagne bill in the Zanzibar Lounge on King’s Road.

“The trend is to shoot your toff rival below the waist, the red trousers mean that ambulance crews can’t find the wound to staunch it.”

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