Unemployed to have arses removed 

THE unemployed are to be forced ‘off their backsides’ by having their buttocks cut off, it has emerged.

Duncan Smith assured the public there is no threat to Pippa's arse

Work and pensions secretary Iain Duncan Smith believes the best way to get the jobless off their sofas is to ensure they have no arses to sit on.

He said: “The old-fashioned notion of ‘rumps for all’ is a luxury we can no longer afford. We need to make severe cuts, to the bone, in order to get ourselves back on our feet.”

Under Duncan Smith’s plans, anyone visiting a Job Centre Plus to sign on will be harangued into a special cupboard fitted with laser bum-scalpels.

The seared-off buttock tissue will be pulped and transformed into ‘government chicken bucket meals’, then sold back to working class families for £1.99 a go in a move that would further bolster the economy.

Company director Roy Hobbs said: “As much as I resent unemployed people’s over-attachment to their posteriors, we must remember that Britain’s economy is largely arse-based, unless we make call centre workers stand up all day at their desks.

“Actually that could work and I’d save a few quid on chairs.”

Sales administrator Tom Logan said: “If anyone’s rear ends should be slashed, it’s the bankers’.

“Stephen Hester’s hefty arse cheeks could keep a family of six in gravy dinners for a month and he probably wouldn’t even notice they were missing.”